Sid's Joke
by marialisa
Summary: ....but are Danny and Lindsay laughing? DL 'two shot' piece of smuff!
1. Chapter 1

I wanted to try something a little different so here is a (hopefully) humorous two part piece smuff (1st part is 'T' rated, second part will be 'M' rated). **SallyJetson** beta'd and encouraged….much, much :wub: as always.

Let me know what you think!

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**Sid's Joke – Part One**

'So let me get this right', Danny gave his audience a disgusted look, 'in order to convince Lindsay that I'm serious I have to buy her flowers and chocolates, AND', he held his hand up giving Flack a fierce look to stop him interrupting, 'they need to be _expensive_ flowers and chocolates. That's what you're saying, right?'

'Nothing tells a woman that you're serious more than a huge bouquet of red roses and an expensive box of Godiva chocolates' Flack was nodding his head, his manner redolent of a wise old sage.

Danny stared at him in disbelief for a moment before turning to Hawkes; 'but according to _you_ I have to recite a poem to her'

'_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. _

_I love thee to the depth and breadth and height _

_My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight _

_For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. _

_I love thee to the level of everyday's _

_Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. _

_I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; _

_I love thee with the passion put to use _

_In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. _

_I love thee with a love I seemed to lose _

_With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath, _

_Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose, _

_I shall but love thee better after death.' _

Silence greeted the conclusion of Hawkes recitation.

'You know it by _heart_?' Flack gaped at Hawkes, who smiled smugly;

'I find it impresses a certain type of _lady_.'

Flack and Mac both looked interested in this pronouncement but before they could pursue the matter any further an outraged grunt from Danny bought all eyes back to him;

'You expect me to say all that to Lindsay….all that stuff about 'be an ideal grace?'

''For the ends of being and ideal Grace', you see, what Elizabeth Barret Browning was saying with this poem……'

'_For the love of all that's holy_'

Hawkes explanation came to an abrupt halt at Danny's anguished cry. Danny sent him a malevolent stare as he massaged his temples in an attempt to relieve the headache that was forming, before turning to Mac

'According to _you,_ I have to cook a gourmet meal and serve it with fine wine' the inflexion in his voice turned his statement into a question, his face showing the frustration he was feeling.

'In my experience women love it when a man cooks for them' Mac was grinning, clearly enjoying the aggrieved expression on Danny's face.

Danny scowled and turned to Sid; 'and I suppose you have some advice as well don' cha?'

Sid rocked back on his heel tipping his head to stare at the ceiling for a moment before lowering it again and peering wisely at Danny over his half moon glasses;

'Have you ever heard the joke about how a man impresses a woman?'

Flack snorted as he saw the outrage on Danny's face as he realised that Sid proposed to tell a joke about the thing closest to Danny's heart, and earned himself a hard look from a pair of seriously pissed off blue eyes.

Sid paid no attention and simply continued without waiting to hear whether Danny knew the joke or not;

'A man impresses a woman by wooing her, telling her she is beautiful, buying her flowers and chocolates, wining and dining her………..'

'Yeah, that's why I said you should buy her………..'

'I told you, a love poem……………'

'A gourmet meal………………..'

Flack, Hawkes and Mac all started to talk at the same time as they tried to justify their advice to Danny, who put his head in his hands;

'SHUT UP! _Just shut the fuck up_' he looked at Sid, 'and you think that's a joke? I'll tell you what's a joke; this so called 'advice' from my so called 'friends'; I'll take my chances thanks'

Sid, Mac, Hawkes and Flack all watched as Danny stalked off down the corridor

'He didn't let me finish my joke' Sid's mild words bought everyone's attention back to him.

'Don't take it personally' Flack was trying hard not to laugh, 'he's a man in love who's finally managed to get the woman of his dreams to have dinner at his place tonight and made the foolish mistake of asking for advice..' he struck a dramatic pose, causing Hawkes and Mac to snigger, as he continued, '…on how best to reveal his _true_ _feelings_ to her.'

Sid peered at him; 'I thought Lindsay had been invited to watch football?'

'That's what she thinks……Messer's determined that he's going to persuade her that she should give him a chance' the look of gleeful amusement on Flack's face showed just how much he was enjoying his friends predicament.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

'You really think I should do this?' Lindsay sounded every bit as doubtful as she was feeling.

'I've never known it to fail' Stella sounded confident as she handed Lindsay the items they had just bought.

'He's asked me round to eat pizza, drink beer and watch football as 'friends'……..you don't think he'll be…….I don't know, a bit _surprised_ if I turn up in this' Lindsay's waved the package at Stella.

Stella sighed as she looked at Lindsay; 'Do you or do you not want the pair of you to be more than 'friends'?'

The doubtful look was still firmly attached to Lindsay's face but she nodded slowly.

'OK, well, you can try and talk to him and tell him how you feel, _or_ you can try and get him to tell you that he wants to be more than friends, but frankly that's just hard work. This approach cuts through all of that crap and gets you to where you want to be, doesn't it?' Stella spoke as if she was presenting an irrefutable scientific fact.

'I suppose so, but……..'

'Look, have a couple of drinks before you go over. I'll drive you and I'll wait for 10 minutes or so. If it all goes horribly wrong just come out and I'll drive you home and pour large quantities of alcohol down you until you forget what a fool you made of yourself'

Stella saw the look of horror on Lindsay's face and sighed; 'Look, do you want him to know that you want to be more than friends?'

'Yes, but……….' Lindsay stopped at Stella's raised eyebrow.

'Oh what the hell……….but if this doesn't work you realise I'll have to put in for a transfer?'

Stella grinned at her; 'It'll work, I absolutely guarantee it will work.'

Lindsay shook her head, hardly able to believe what she was about to do to prove to Danny Messer that she wanted to be more than friends, as Stella continued,

'Did you hear Sid's joke about how men and women impress each other?'

Lindsay glared at her in disbelief; '_Please_ tell me that this cockeyed idea of your's isn't based on one of Hammerback's jokes'

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**A/N** **2** – OK, if you are interested in knowing what happens just remember part 2 will be 'M' rated! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**

Again, huge thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta, the advice and the support :wub:. This part is rated **M** (and it's not just because of the language!!!). I hope you enjoy it!

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**Sid's Joke – Part Two**

The music was playing softly in the background, the table was set and the wine opened so that it could breath. The book of love poems was open at the right page and the flowers and chocolates were hidden ready for him to produce when the time was right. The take out from the fancy French restaurant that Mac had recommended was keeping warm in the oven; all that was missing was Lindsay.

Danny checked his watch for the 5th time in as many minutes; she would be arriving any minute now……..

The sound of someone knocking on the door sent his stomach into freefall. A quick panicked look around the apartment told him that everything was ready. He took a deep breath and opened the door

Lindsay was standing there, her hair falling in soft waves around her elfin face. She was dressed in a very smart black coat and clutching a brown paper bag. Danny felt a lump in his throat at the sight of her; she looked so beautiful…………..she giggled and hiccupped gently,

'You gonna let me in Messer'

Danny stared at her in astonishment; he couldn't be sure but he would swear that she'd had a drink or two. He stood back to let her through the door, watching as she teetered unsteadily in a pair of extremely high heeled, black strappy sandals.

Danny's senses told him something wasn't quite right here. She had been invited for pizza and beer; he had been expecting her to be in jeans and a t shirt, not dressed up as if they were off to a club.

'Wow'

Lindsay was staring around the room taking in the beautifully set table, the wonderful smell coming from the kitchen, the soft music playing in the background………..he watched as she picked up the book of love poems, staring at it open mouthed……..

She turned to stare at Danny accusingly

'You said come round for beer, pizza and football. What the hell is all of this for?'

He stared aback at her, a feeling of irritation growing inside of him; this was not how it was supposed to go at all……

'Well you're not exactly dressed for beer and pizza, are you?'

They stood glaring at each other for a moment until Lindsay dissolved into a fit of giggles,

'So come on then Messer, what's all this about?'

Danny took a deep breath; 'I know I said beer and pizza and just friends but I want more and this is my way of showing you I'm serious, I don't just want to jump you…………..' he cursed himself for sounding like a spotty adolescent.

She stared at him as his words trailed off and he began to wonder if he had upset her in some way until he saw the smile start to spread across her face.

'So, you don't want to jump me then?' she raised an eyebrow delicately, a disbelieving note in her voice.

'Well yes, I mean no, I mean I do want to er…., you know, but I don't want you to think that's all I want……..oh fuck…….' he was starting to feel pissed off now, this was NOT going as planned………

She giggled again; 'Oh I see……..' she reached into the brown bag and produced a pack of beer; 'I erm,….. I bought beer'

Danny's attention was caught not by the beer she placed on the table but rather by the innocent expression on her face

'Right…………..?'

'Did you see Sid today?'

She still had a very innocent look on her face but now he sensed laughter bubbling away beneath the surface

'Yeeees'

Danny honestly had no idea how his admittedly clumsy declaration had somehow become a conversation about Sid Hammerback; he rubbed his temple, feeling the headache from earlier starting to return.

'Did he happen to tell you his joke about how men and women impress each other?'

Danny stared suspiciously at her. The feeling of having missed something important was making him feel very uncomfortable but he decided to play along and hope to hell that things started making sense soon……….that, or he woke up to find this had all just been a weird dream…..

'He got half way through; something about men impressing women by wooing them, flattering them, wining and dining them, buying them flowers and chocolates……….' Danny shrugged, knowing he had a petulant expression on his face, which pissed him off even more…….

'Hmm, so he didn't get to the punch line then?'

She was clearly enjoying herself now. He gritted his teeth;

'No, I didn't wait around to hear it'

'Hmm well the punch line is how a woman impresses a man….' Her face wore a gently mocking expression at the confusion on his as she continued:

'……because all a woman has to do to impress a man is arrive at his door carrying beer…………..' she undid her coat, '………naked'

Danny choked, suddenly finding it very hard to breathe; Lindsay had dropped the coat to the floor and was wearing nothing more than a black suspender belt, black stockings and high heels.

For a moment he couldn't move; his glib tongue was twice its usual size and melded to the roof of his mouth and his knee joints appeared to have been replaced with jello, as he stared, mesmerised, at her lush curves

'_Christ_'

He didn't recognise his own voice and only realised he had moved when he found a naked Lindsay in his arms, her arms entwined around his neck. Her face was flushed and she was biting her lip but she was clearly enjoying the effect she had on him

'So, you see, I wanted you to know that I want things to be more than friends too, but I, erm, well, I'd quite like you to 'jump me''

Danny's faculties were returning at a gallop and his tongue was fully functioning again but he decided that he had a far better use for it than speaking………….

Lindsay noticed the predatory look in his piercing blue eyes a heartbeat before he melded his lips to hers in a kiss so passionate it sucked the air from her lungs and sent a wave of heat flooding through her. His hands roamed enthusiastically over her naked body as she moaned into his mouth and pushed her hips against his jeans desperately seeking release from the intense pressure rapidly building between her legs. The pressure grew until she decided that things needed to be moved along; she suddenly pulled back, laughing at the confusion evident in his eyes,

'Time to strip cowboy….c'mon, show me what ya got Messer'

He smirked, holding his arms out to each side

'You gonna watch or help me Montana?'

Lindsay remembered something she had seen in a soft porn film she had watched with a college boyfriend one time. Changing her stance so that her weight was on one leg, jutting her hip out and placing her hand on it, she slipped her index finger from her free hand into her mouth, circled her tongue seductively around it, all the time holding his eyes with hers, then slowly trailed it down the centre of her throat and across to circle an erect nipple.

In a low throaty voice she purred

'Messer, either you get your clothes off or I'll have to take care of business on my lonesome'

The effect on Danny was comical as his jaw dropped open and his eyes nearly bugged out of his head

'Holy fuck Montana'

He began ripping his T shirt over his head whilst trying to undo the button on his jeans……..it was doomed to failure and despite a desperate lunge to catch hold of the arm, he missed, ending up in an undignified heap, half on and half off the couch.

Lindsay forgot her seductive pose as she howled with laughter at the sight of him struggling to undress himself and earned herself a dirty look.

'Ya gonna stand there and laugh or you gonna help me here?'

He sounded very pissed off. She started to head over to him, forgetting for one vital moment that she was wearing a pair of very high heels that she wasn't that steady in………feeling her balance go, arms flailing, she felt herself falling…………

Only to be caught in a pair of well muscled arms, and then pulled on top of a half naked Danny Messer. He had managed to remove his top, and she gazed in fascination at the muscles rippling below the surface of his torso. With one finger she lightly traced a pattern that swirled over his chest and then circled one of his nipples as she felt him shudder beneath her;

'Ya killin' me here Montana'

He sounded as if he was speaking through clenched teeth. She giggled; feeling his erection straining against his jeans as she wriggled provocatively. An animalistic growl came from his throat as he moved suddenly and she found herself thrown over his shoulder and carried swiftly across the room and into the bedroom where he deposited her on the bed.

She propped herself up on her elbows and watched as he rapidly removed his jeans and boxers. A soft moan escaped her as she took in the sight of a fully erect Danny Messer, and she licked her suddenly very dry lips as he crawled on all fours up the bed until he was poised above her, his eyes drinking in her nakedness, leaving her feeling wanton and abandoned. She flopped back, spreading her arms and smiling at him in, what she hoped, was a seductive manner;

'Well, I'm waiting cowboy'

She saw a pained expression cross his face and for a moment wondered if maybe she had done something stupid…………

'Lindsay, for the love of all that's holy, you're gonna make me come before I…….' he broke off, his jaw clenched in what she now realised was an attempt to control himself. A feeling of power flooded her as she realised the effect she was having on him.

She reached up; her arms circled his neck then pulled him down on top of her as she whispered in his ear

'I want you now Danny….I want you inside of me……..'

He lunged to the side and she heard a crash as he knocked over the bedside light in an attempt to reach the pack of condoms in the nightstand drawer. He grabbed one and rapidly donned it before returning to her. With barely a pause he crashed his mouth onto hers in a fierce kiss, as he slid one hand down over her waist to her hip then down until it nestled between her legs. He caressed her inner thigh before finally slipping a finger into her wetness….

Her breathless moans were echoed by his guttural ones, as she wrapped her legs around his waist, moving her hips in an unspoken plea for him to fill her. He moved and she felt his erection pushing against her before, with one swift movement, he entered her. He paused for a second, watching her face for permission to continue. She tightened her legs around him and rocked her hips in time with his as she allowed him to set the pace; long slow thrusts building the pressure within her belly, sweeping her inexorably toward her climax, until she was begging him for release.

'Oh….god….. Danny…….. now…….please……..now……..'

The thrusts became shorter and faster, the pressure intensified until……….

Heat exploded within her leaving her breathless and shaken at the intensity of the sensations crashing over her body. He followed her a moment later, shuddering through his climax as hers reached its end.

After, as they lay sated in his bed, her head on his chest, she felt him start to shake with suppressed laughter. She forced her head up so she could look at him questioningly.

'Ya know I reckon I owe Hammerback a beer…….'


End file.
